You Don't Understand

Trying to move past this pain. It hurts to know that off one action, there are so many reactions. You try to move forward, but you end up being knocked down. You try to be stable, but the instability of your mind takes you to another place. The anger that rises every time you realize that things are a reflection of past actions and situations. Although you can move forward, there are constant reminders of past hurts and trauma.

"I feel like I am losing my mind. I want to jump off this balcony and land on the wire fence. I feel so trapped in this cycle. I WANT OUT! How can one person do so much detriment that it cause so much hell to get my life back. I didn't ask for this craziness. I am a responsible, intelligent, outgoing, ambitious, and loving individual. Why can't I seem to get my mind back? I can't talk about things and nobody will understand? Everyone expects me to have my life together by now, yet, they have never been in my shoes. They don't even know what it's like to be taken advantage of sexually or manipulated and treated like property. They don't know what it's like to only get money or things if they have sex with this person. They don't know what it's like to say NO and the person takes it anyway. They don't know what it's like to have sex with anybody else to erase the memory of this individual. THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW BAD THIS HURTS ON THE INSIDE TO CONSTANTLY DEAL WITH THIS PRIVATELY, BUT STILL MOVING FORWARD OUTWARDLY. I'M TIRED!!!!!"
- Anonymous


What can you really say to this person????????? How can you help????????? What if their life depends on your response????? What would YOU do if you were them?????

Recovering from Childhood Memories

Sometimes you look back on your childhood and wonder where did things go wrong? When did things begin to go insane? As a child you look to your parents for guidance, acceptance, love, support, caring, protection, friendship, direction, truth, financial and emotional support.

In your adult life, have you ever:
Fallen in and out of love with people who can’t love you back? Do you believe that you are essentially unlovable? Are you unable to adequately take care of yourself or people you love? Are your easily frustrated by your kids and uncertain how to parent? Do you find it difficult to empathize with others’ pain? Do others accuse you of being selfish and unfeeling?

If you never felt loved by your parents, you may not know what it really means to love and be loved.
Maybe you were never taught how to take care of a home, prepare healthy meals, or manage your money.
If your parents never took care of you, you may feel clueless about how to take care of your own children.

Childhood neglect can cause serious longterm effects as an adult. It can lead to negative physical, cognitive, psychological, behavioral or social consequences. 
* Physical health problems (diabetes, gastrointestinal problems, arthritis, headaches, gynecological problems, stroke, hepatitis and heart disease)
* Mental health problems (personality disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety disorders and psychosis)
* Suicidal behavior
* Eating disorders and obesity
* Re-victimization (more likely to have low self esteem)
* Alcohol and substance abuse
* Aggression, violence and criminal behavior
* Intergenerational transmission of abuse and neglect (more likely to abuse their own children)
* High-risk sexual behavior (unintended pregnancy, early 1st diagnosis of sexually transmitted disease, participating in group sex, and prostitution)
* Homelessness (Difficulty securing employment, experience of domestic violence, [adolescents] poor academic achievement which leads to difficulty finding employment, substance abuse, mental health problems and aggressive/violent behavior [consequences: difficult to achieve stable housing])

How can a person recover from childhood neglect or abuse?
1. Don't blame yourself and take charge of your life
- when you're neglected as a child, you continue to neglect yourself
- you don't have to become an overly dependent partner or inadequate parent
- having been ignored or worse, you continue to find people who ignore and mistreat you
2. Individual psychotherapy
- it can help you love and care for yourself. Talk to a therapist.
3. Parenting education
- it helps you learn the practical skills necessary to be a better parent
- don't beat yourself up if you find you are repeating the same mistakes to your children, learn from the classes and make the necessary changes
4. Find an older friend
- relationships with elders can help you see things differently and learn more
5. Spiritual practice or religion
- you can look to God and ask him for guidance, direction and peace of mind
6. Read
- find books that give you hope in coming from being parented badly to making a better life for themselves


Just because you were not given a fair chance at being parented doesn't mean you have to follow the same footsteps. There is always a root to an issue. Will it happen overnight? No. It takes time, perseverance, determination in your mind to believe and work on past issues. Do you wanna be free from your past? Can you be free from your past? Yes! Never let the past control you future's outcome.

Don't give up on your dreams. Go back and get those ideas from your childhood and put it into action. No person that has neglected you or abused you is worth your life falling apart. You can become a better person and you can have a better life!

I BELIEVE IN ME!

Statements we say to ourselves and others:
   "I can't do it like ____. They can do it better. I wish I could do it like ____. I'm not the best at ____."
These are all negative statements that can hold a person back from being their BEST. We often compare ourselves with others because we don't recognize the talents, gifts and new ideas we can offer in life.
No matter how a person was raised or what their background is, one must never let the negativity of a person define them. 
   Embrace your individuality. You were born to be different. There is only one you, your footprints are different, your hand prints are different, your body shape is different, your color is different, and your personality is different. If you are an identical twin, there is something different that differentiates you from your sibling. Find something within yourself that you can feel good about. Think of positive traits. Change your focus and think on what you ARE instead of what you AREN'T. Move away from things and people that will cause you to feel bad about yourself. EMBRACE YOU! Celebrate the things that make you unique. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!
  

I Love ME!!!

BUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE!
What makes you feel unworthy, ashamed, or inferior? Identify it, name it, and write it down. Talk to your family and friends. Get to the root of the problem. In order to move on, you must resolve the issue. Learn how to accept yourself, past and circumstances just as they are. Bounce back from your mistakes. No one is perfect. The reality of life is that we all feel we lack something. Identify your successes. Find something you enjoy, develop and excel. Everyone has some type of talent and/or strengths. Be thankful and grateful for what you have in life. As you do this, it will help you overcome the feelings of being unsatisfied or incomplete. Stay positive at all times. People can make you feel inferior if you let them. If you don't respect or love yourself people will treat you the way you treat yourself. Accept compliments. It is OK to say thank you. In building confidence, don't shrug compliments off. Look in the mirror and compliment yourself. Smile. You will start to feel better about yourself. Pretend that you are the most confident version of you, and watch how you will feel about yourself. Stick with the principles and morals you set for yourself. If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything. Be kind to other people. Most importantly, avoid PERFECTIONISM. A perfectionist never feels "good enough" about personal performance, feelings of being a "failure" or a "loser" with a lessening of self-confidence and self-esteem may result. Learn to accept yourself the way you are; let go of the ideas of how you should be.

LOVE YOURSELF!
(1) Forgive yourself
* There is no action/situation not worthy of forgiveness
(2) Stop comparing yourself to others
(3) Stop seeking approval
* Relying on people to make you happy; is setting yourself up to be miserable
(4) Believe in yourself
(5) Practice Silence
* Everyone needs alone time
(6) Eat Healthy and Exercise
(7) Express Yourself
* Express your talents and passions to the best of your ability
(8) Loving Yourself

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Emotional Scars

What you deal with inwardly shows outwardly. Relationships with people are affected, work ethics, stability, love for others, and your health. It causes psychological scars, if you do not dealt with these emotions. Emotional pain is attached to feeling hopeless, lacking trust, guilt, resentment, anger, sadness, feeling nothing at all, feeling unlike yourself, and feeling like you don't know who you are anymore. Also, loss of self esteem, passion, and confidence.

In dealing with emotional scars, you have to find the root cause of the emotional scar. There are many causes: bad situations, dysfunctional childhood, disasters, divorce, loved one's death, rape, abuse, loss of a child, job or house, or being neglected. In order to move towards healing you must define and describe your feelings, acknowledge, release and let go. Acknowledge the situations you had no control over. Tell yourself "its gonna be OK", "I can get through this", "I am hurting because of this, but I will not allow this to kill me", and "This does not define who I am". Encourage yourself no matter how you feel. There will be rough days, "YOU CAN GET PAST IT". Never let people tell you how to feel, respond, and act because of what has happen to you. Not everyone is capable of helping you through your healing process. Don't blame yourself and give yourself time and space to heal. Love yourself! Keep a journal when you need to vent and release how you are feeling. Stay positive and keep positive people around you. Let go of negativity in all forms.

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Breaking the Cycle

An abuser’s goal is to control you!


Isolation from others, withdrawal from family and friends, avoid the public

• Spending more and more time at work, not wanting to come home
• Low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness
• Depression, thoughts of suicide
• Emotional problems, shame, emotional highs and lows, emotional numbness
• Illness - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually
• Increased alcohol or drug use, addictions
• Withdrawal from real life into an alternative reality - perhaps the Internet

Abusers use these to manipulate you:

* Dominance - may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his/her possession
* Humiliation - does whatever it takes to make you feel bad about yourself or defective
* Isolation - will cut you off from the outside world, may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone
* Threats - may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets
* Intimidation - may use tactics (making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things, destroying property, hurting pets, or weapons on display)
* Denial and blame - may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred (shift the responsibility on you, as to say its your fault for the abuse)

Female, 29
"I often wonder why my life constantly falls out of whack every time I try to build it up. Constantly dealing with feelings of low self-worth and wondering if people really love me. It seems as if all people want from me is sex. As a child up to adulthood, I have always had to be faced with family and friends who wanted sex from me. They didn't care how they could get it, whether by force or manipulation. It has haunted me in my adulthood, with fear of being in a healthy relationship. In my mind, all people want from me is sex. I ended up using manipulation to get what I wanted out of people. I felt that if people can manipulate me into getting what they really wanted, why can't I do the same. After a while, I couldn't continue because I still felt less of myself and wanted to be loved for real. This present day I battle in my mind of different encounters that was forced on me, which causes anger to rise. I never once asked to be raped, treated like a prostitute, treated like I was nothing and dumb, etc. All I wanted was to be loved. How is it that the persons that suppose to be there to protect you are the very ones that caused the abuse? Unanswered questions, thoughts, concerns. Still searching for my identity because what I was made to be isn't the real me. I WANT OUT OF THIS PLACE...I WANT A BETTER LIFE...I WANT REAL LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"




BREAKING THE CYCLE

* Deal with past abuse by talking and acknowledging what happen. This helps you heal and break the cycle.
* Pushing memories of abuse away often backfires, which can cause you to repeat patterns in an unconscious state of mind.
* Recognize that some victims of abuse don't abuse their children; however, they turn the anger inwardly and suffer from depression.
* Make an appointment for therapy or attend a support group.
* Realize that abusers are at fault, not the person who was abused.
* Note problems within relationships.

Abuse does not mean physical or sexual. There are many forms of abuse: mental, psychological, and financial.
 
Forgiving yourself can be much harder than forgiving another person. Forgiving yourself is an important act of moving forward and releasing yourself from the past. You can't patch up your heart forever, you have to deal with it. Accept your emotions, instead of trying to avoid facing them. Don't hide your feelings. Welcome imperfection. (Perfectionism can cause you to hold too high a standard for your own behavior) Let go of other people's expectations for you. Stop listening to the nags in your life. (For every person who has been hard on you, remember that someone was hard on them) Stop punishing yourself. (It's perfectly fine to say: "I am not proud of what I've done or how I've devalued myself but I'm moving on for the sake of my health, my well-being, and those around me) Practice self-acceptance. You don't need forgiveness for being you. Love yourself and give yourself permission to heal. Think about what will improve in your life if you can release yourself and how to bring this into fruition. (Meditation, Affirm Self-Worth, Keep a Diary, Seek Therapy, Draw Spiritual Faith & Teachings) See forgiveness as a journey. Be grateful for what you do have. Look for the good in your life. Stay away from people who have a tendency to sabotage efforts at self-improvement. Don't force yourself to hang around people who bring back the past for you in a negative way. Avoid talking about your wrongdoings and how bad a person you are around other people.

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Invisible Me

 
Female, 29 "We're in the same room, have the same blood, share the same name but yet we don't communicate. You come by but I don't exist. Watching you from my peripheral, as you ignore who you see, but nothing changes. 

As tears roll down, remembering you holding me in your arms, wiping my tears, long conversations, rides to the park, family vacations, first conversation of sex, conversing on future goals, etc. All I want is a hello, a hug, a conversation. The tears keep falling, as my throat begins to lump up. I'm trying to hold back the tears so you won't see me cry. Its hurting my heart and insides so bad as you are within arm reach. A feeling of abandonment, unwanting, rejection, worthlessness, hurt, and sadness. Do I just say, forget it? Do I continue to deal with this hurt? Do I let this pain cause me to not love others?"


 What can you say to this? The only thing that you can do is HOPE that the situation will change. There is no easy answer and every situation is different. The first thing is to LOVE yourself! If you don't love yourself, no one else will show you how to love you. It first starts with YOU. Tell yourself, YOU ARE WANTED, YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE NOT INVISIBLE, YOU ARE IMPORTANT, YOUR LIFE MATTERS. As you build yourself up, when you are faced with the same or similar situation it won't effect your emotional state.